Why you
shouldn’t tell children they can be whatever they want
Instead of telling children they are special and
can be superstars, we should emphasise self-control and hard work. downloaded from western press
I return here to one
of my favourite themes – the gap between
reality and expectation for children. This is prompted by an excellent
article in the online magazine, Aeon, headlined You Can Do It Baby – the
implication being that you probably can’t do it, baby. The article explores the
myth that, “You can be anything you want
to be”. It suggests that this trope isn’t helping most of the young launch
careers or find satisfaction in life.
I am drawn towards
this subject by two personal factors – my father telling me, as I was growing
up, that ambition is a curse. In
defiance of this, I became hugely ambitious – thus defying my father’s edict
and, at the same time, in a strange way, confirming it. Because although
I have achieved way beyond my father’s – and even my own – expectations, it has not brought the happiness I imagined
was guaranteed with the package.
In fact, most of the joy I have got out of my
life has been through the commonplace activities of home, family and
hobbies, rather than being that most sought-after occupation, a novelist,
which pushes me constantly to the frontiers of my limited abilities. Yes, I
have won a few laurels – but the price I have paid in terms of effort and
struggle and disappointment is high.
The article questions
the mantra that children should be told they can do whatever they like. The
author, Canadian writer Leslie Garrett, quotes a typical line on this, from the
actor Will Smith: “Being realistic is
the most commonly travelled road to mediocrity.” But “mediocrity” is a loaded
term. “By implying that the only options are superstardom or mediocrity, we
ignore where most of us ultimately land – that huge middle ground between
anything and nothing much at all,” notes Garrett. In other words, most of
us, by definition, are going to be mediocre – at least by Smith’s standards.
What’s wrong with
this “you can be anything” ethic is what “being anything” usually implies.
“We’re equating it with prestige, power, titles, money, certain sectors,” says
Garrett. But is it so shameful to want to be a nurse rather than a doctor, a
schoolteacher rather than a university lecturer?
A better point to put
to our children is not what they want to be, but who they
want to be. This observation is made by Roman
Krznaric, who teaches on career fulfillment at the School of Life in London. In
his classes he says it is striking that, “Someone who’s maybe a taxi driver or
a nurse cannot believe there’s a TV producer who seems to be more miserable
than they are.”
So what’s the answer?
We don’t want to discourage our children from reaching towards the higher
branches of life. But realism is also important.
Another commentator
quoted in the article, Tracey Cleantis, author of The Next Happy,
observes: “There’s a kind of unspoken narrative: if I become this, if I do this, if I achieve this, then I will be
loved, I will have self-acceptance.” The idea that your success in work
represents your success as a person is useful for capitalism, but it
can extract an exacting personal cost.
Given how difficult
it is for most of us to achieve our dreams, given the extraordinarily
competitive nature of modern society, perhaps it is best for many of us to do
what our parents’ generation did – keep our enthusiasms and passions for our
hobbies. Unless you display a genuine, prodigious early talent, you should be a
little more practical in ambitions for professional life.
Instead of teaching “you’re special, you’re great”, we
should emphasize self-control and hard work, which are positively correlated
with success. And we should define for our children
some alternative life goals to reaching for the stars – because for the
overwhelming majority of us, they will always sparkle, coldly, out of reach.
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Some parents tell their children that they can become whatever they want
while others resist this approach and encourage their children to emphasize on
self-control and an attitude to hard work.
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How would
these two approaches to child rearing benefit children in general?